What men should know about perimenopause
How to be there for your partner, sister, mum, friend or colleague
Nearly 20% of women are in perimenopause at any time, and knowing more about it will make your life a whole lot easier. Perimenopause doesn’t happen to ‘old’ people, it happens to all people with wombs: your boss, your partner, sister or colleague will all arrive there at some point.
First up, there’s nothing to fix here, it’s not an illness or a deficiency. It is more like a Dr Who-style, psychological upgrade to a whole new way of being. But like most major upgrades, it can feel like an emergency at times because regeneration is hard! But once it’s done, life gets much calmer and a lot more fun.
The mainstream narrative around perimenopause is fear-driven, ageist and toxic for you both, so don’t be scared, this is a normal life event that while it can be challenging, is an invitation to up your game. It’s time to be your best tender-hearted, listening, loving self.
Perimenopause basics
Here's a quick catch-up if you’re not yet up to speed on the perimenopause department. Perimenopause is the time when hormones are fluctuating, often starting around mid 30s onwards. Menopause means it has been a year since the last period, then after that it’s postmenopause, a time that offers a huge potential for freedom, fun and adventure. Though about a quarter of women don’t experience much in the way of symptoms, there are a wide variety of unjoyful symptoms which can be experienced, and every woman will be different.
It’s not all hot flushes, and while these can be severe enough to ruin sleep, there’s loads of other symptoms that may surprise you: digestive issues, fluctuating mood, aches and pains, sore feet, anxiety, sore mouths, even cold flushes! Periods might change too, with flooding and unpredictability being common, but equally, many don’t see much change in their menstrual cycle at all. Considering the infinite variations, it’s unfortunate there’s no definitive test for perimenopause, but if the woman's in her late 30’s or 40’s and other issues have been ruled out by the GP, it’s considered likely to be perimenopause.
As far as treatment goes, HRT is great for hot flushes and mood regulation, but doesn’t suit everyone. Whether or not HRT is used, it’s the lifestyle stuff that makes the difference: resting, eating nourishing food, exercise and reducing stress.
Don’t panic
If you’re confused about where your partner, boss or sister has gone, here’s what’s going on, what to do and how to deal with it.
What it looks like: she’s broken and in need of fixing.
What is actually happening: she wants you to validate her feelings and listen with an open heart.
What it looks like: her tongue is sharp and is constantly giving you a lashing but not in a good way.
What is actually happening: lower oestrogen reduces her capacity to ignore truths.
What it looks like: you’ve lost the person you fell in love with / first met.
What is actually happening: she’s transforming into someone even more amazing than before.
What it looks like: she disappeared one morning and a harridan has taken her place.
What is actually happening: she’s doing her long-overdue emotional work.
What it looks like: this perimenopause bastard is going on forever.
What is actually happening: this is a transitional time.
What it looks like: she’d rather hang out with other women than you.
What is actually happening: peer support and sharing stories improves the experience of perimenopause symptoms.
What it looks like: she can’t get out of first gear and is SO SLOW.
What is actually happening: her inner life is being prioritised and the outer world is less important right now.
What it looks like: her body is morphing into a new shape.
What is actually happening: stress is affecting her hormones and redistributing body fat.
What it looks like: she’s demanding you take on her whole workload.
What is actually happening: it’s time to re-evaluate the professional/domestic load in the relationship.
What it looks like: your wife doesn’t fancy you anymore.
What is actually happening: her body is changing and she needs to discover what is pleasurable for herself first, before she can communicate it to you.
What it looks like: she can’t bare the sound of you chewing.
What is actually happening: hormone fluctuations are upping levels of sensory sensitivity.
What it looks like: she can’t watch the news for crying rivers of tears.
What is actually happening: emotional sensitivities make her more sensitive to human suffering.
What it looks like: she’ll never sleep again.
What is actually happening: lower progesterone makes her more susceptible to stress.
What it looks like: she wants to end the relationship/sack you.
What is actually happening: she needs more space and quiet to look after herself.
What it looks like: her confidence has gone and she’s having a breakdown.
What is actually happening: life de-cluttering is now her priority.
What it looks like: she can’t remember your name or why she walked into the room.
What’s actually happening: her brain is upgrading and stress interferes with this process.
Short story: the largest contributing factor to perimenopause symptoms is stress and the most effective thing you can do is to support her in reducing her life-load.
If in doubt
Leave dark chocolate near her and run away!
Take over as many of the domestic / work tasks as you can.
Give her space and quiet, and trust that she will return in time.
Listen to how she feels without trying to fix her.
Tell her she’s doing great.
Further resources
Library of resources for navigating perimenopause and beyond: www.katecodrington.co.uk/start-here
Psychological aspect of menopause: www.amazon.co.uk/Second-Spring-Kate-Codrington/dp/000846975X
NICE guidelines: www.nice.org.uk/guidance/ng23/chapter/Recommendations#managing-short-term-menopausal-symptoms
Black menopause: www.thekarenarthur.com/menopausewhilstblack
Queer menopause: www.queermenopause.com/resources
Treatment including HRT and lifestyle: www.hormonewise.co.uk
Nutrition: karennewby.com
Menopause without the hype: menoclarity.com/menoclarity-live-recordings-registration
Hysterectomy and beyond: www.hystersisters.com
Early menopause: www.daisynetwork.org
Menopause at work: knowledge.bsigroup.com/products/menstruation-menstrual-health-and-menopause-in-the-workplace-guide?version=standard
About Kate
Kate is a mentor, author, speaker, facilitator, artist and podcaster. The author of Second Spring: the self-care guide to menopause, which is part of the 'menopause cannon' according to the New York Times. Kate mentors people in perimenopause and beyond, 1-2-1 and in groups, is a nature-based Yoga Nidra meditation guide, hosts Life - An Inside Job podcast, has been a therapist for more than 30 years and creates multi-level art textile projects. When she’s not doing these things you’ll find her playing in her compost heaps.
You can find here at katecodrington.co.uk, on Instagram at @kate_codrington and on Facebook at facebook.com/KateCodringtonWellBeing
Read more
Mental health advice and support