Calls for better mental health care after loss of a baby
Parents are telling us they've been left feeling alone after suffering the loss of their baby.
Last updated 13th Oct 2022
MFR is hearing calls for better mental health support for parents, following the loss of a baby.
Currently, provision across Scotland varies by location, and there is no national framework for follow-up care.
That leaves mums and dads often turning to charities for help.
Here, we look at the impact that can have on families.
This story contains some details readers may find upsetting.
Wendy
Wendy Kirkwood, from Kilmarnock, first fell pregnant after getting married in 2010, but discovered at her first scan that she had miscarried just after 8 weeks.
She then went on to miscarry four more times, and on each occasion, she had to have surgical intervention, as her body wouldn't recognise that she had miscarried.
She was treated in the maternity unit at Crosshouse Hospital, and told us: "It's heartbreaking. You feel very selfish, and you think 'why can't they the other mothers in the ward go through the same thing as me?
"Why can't they experience how I feel? Why do they get to be happy?
"You go home with nothing but a medical slip and paracetamol"
"But you just become numb to it when you've gone through it so many times"."
Wendy says there has to be better aftercare for women following baby loss.
She said: "It's the typical 'here's support from these services, here are the telephone numbers', but other than that it feels like they've ticked a box.
"But other than that, there is no follow up. You're very much left to your own devices."
READ MORE: Specialist training offered to just half of healthcare staff looking after bereaved families
Heather and Gary
Gary and Heather Denham from East Kilbride lost their daughter, Jorgia, at 20 weeks last year.
Heather told us: "I had to have sleeping tablets because I was waking up screaming in the middle of the night.
"I was back there (getting the scan that showed she had passed away), and if it wasn't that nightmare, I was waking up to feed a baby that wasn't there."
Heather needed surgery soon after. Following that, she says she was so wary of having medical treatment, the next time she miscarried, she ended up haemorrhaging at home.
She says the experience has left her scared to try for another baby.
"I no longer get any enjoyment out of being pregnant - all I do is worry"
"My anxiety levels are through the roof, and I always say to Gary that I'm not ready to dive down that hole again and be stuck down there".
Gary says there needs to be more mental health support for partners, following the loss of a baby.
He said: "A lot of it seems to be geared towards the mother, and there isn't much thought given to how the father feels about it, and how he's coping with it.
"I'm a typical guy - I just wanted to put my head down and power on, go to work and do what I needed to do, and try to get back to a sense of normality.
"But without help from a charity, and I've always said, if I didn't have our son Jack, I probably wouldn't be here after what we went through last year."
Lisa and Kris
Lisa Hague, and her partner, Kris Commons, lost their first baby, Lola, when Lisa was 8 1/2 months pregnant.
She said: "I was so lucky that I had a supportive employer, and they set up the first counselling session between Lola dying, and her funeral.
"I had a year of counselling - that was a lot of therapy, and would have cost my employer a lot of money.
"But I would not be having this conversation today, and I wouldn't be as strong as I am, and I possibly wouldn't have gone on to have three more children, had I not had that support. I find it so sad, that other people's stories are, at best, that they had six sessions on the NHS. And a lot don't even get that."
Lisa says she wonders how different her experience could have been, had she not had therapy straight away.
"I said to (the counsellor) 'what if Lola hasn't died? What if the midwives have taken her away?' and she said 'that's completely normal to think that, you never saw her'.
"But imagine I hadn't had that support on that day, imagine how that could have developed into really playing with my mental health, wondering 'is my baby out there somewhere?'"
'You're both perfectly grieving'
Lisa, who has since trained as a grief counsellor, and supports other families following their own losses, says it's very common to feel the same way Gary did.
Her partner, Kris, was playing as a professional footballer when they lost Lola.
"As a general rule, woman grieve from a place of loss, and we sit there with a cup of tea with a friend, and we cry and we relive the pain."
"Dads go back to work, really quite quickly. Kris played a game of football between Lola's death and her funeral.
"Men are very proactive in their grief, and will try to support, and make things better, and take their wife's mind off what happened.
"But I hear so many say 'it's like he doesn't care', and instantly when she says that, he says 'of course I care', and then he'll open up about it.
"My advice to them would be, share the see-saw. You're both perfectly grieving, if you take a spoonful of each other, in that one is grieving from a place of loss, and the other is moving forward, but mums really need to see that dads are hurting too."
Lisa and Kris are now running a series of retreats for people dealing with their own grief, whether it be following the loss of a baby, or another loved one.
You can find out more about it here.