Top 20 funniest festive jokes revealed for 2016
Why did the three wise men only have frankincense and myrrh?
Bored of the usual cracker jokes? These one-liners will have you chuckling to your heart's content.
A joke about Brexit has topped the 'funniest festive jokes' according to UKTV’s comedy channel Gold.
The winning one-liners are part of a competition by Gold to find the best modern Christmas cracker jokes, to celebrate its seasonal schedule. The festive schedule aims to get Brits laughing their way right up to Christmas Day with best-loved comedy specials such as The Royle Family, Vicar of Dibley and Gavin & Stacey.
This year's topics include the Olympics, Marmite and Mary Berry.
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Here is the full list of Top 20 funniest festive jokes for 2016:
- How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels. 2. What do workers at Sports Direct get for Christmas dinner? About 5 minutes. 3. How do you recognise a Christmas tree from BHS? All the branches have gone. 4. I bought my mum Mary Berry's cookbook for Christmas, I tried to get Paul Hollywood's but he'd sold out. 5. What's David Cameron's favourite Christmas song? All I Want For Christmas is EU. 6. Why has Hillary Clinton asked Santa for a 23-letter alphabet? Because she is sick of F.B.I. 7. Why didn't Roy Hodgson go to visit Santa at The North Pole? He couldn't get past Iceland. 8. Why are Jeremy Corbyn's Christmas cards on the floor? His cabinet collapsed. 9. Philip looks out of the window on Christmas Eve: 'That's some reindeer' he says. The Queen replies: '63 years. Yes, that is a lot.' 10. What's the difference between the clementine in your Christmas stocking and Donald Trump? Nothing, they're both a little orange. 11. What do you get if you cross Donald Trump with a Christmas Carol? O Comb Over Ye Faithful. 12. What's the best advice you can give at the UKIP Christmas party? Avoid the punch. 13. Why did the three wise men only have frankincense and myrrh? Because Team GB took all the gold. 14. Which parent is likely to do the Christmas shop at Tesco this year? Dad might, Marmite not. 15. Why can't the England football team play Yahtzee this Christmas? Because they got rid of Allardyce. 16. I can't get to the chocolates in my advent calendar. Foiled again. 17. Why is Bob Dylan's sleigh so quiet? Because it has Nobel. 18. Why is everyone filing for divorce and custody of the kids this Christmas? Tis the season to be Jolie. 19. Who might be cooking Christmas dinner at Number 10 this year? Theresa May. 20. Why can't Mary Berry eat turkey sandwiches? Paul Hollywood took all the bread.
Entries were submitted via Twitter and shortlisted by a panel of Christmas Gold judges (led by comedy critic Bruce Dessau). Two thousand adults were then asked to vote on their favourite joke and the top 20 was compiled.
Last year's jokes covered everything from politics to Star Wars and celebrities to current affairs.
- Why does Ed Miliband like advent calendars? He gets to open the door to number 10. 2. I told my Granddad to go to Amazon for his Christmas shopping. He phoned me two days later from Brazil. 3. Why were Jeremy Clarkson's colleagues excited to try his mulled wine? Because they'd been floored by his punch 4. How does Darth Vader like his Christmas turkey? On the dark side. (15%) 5. Why did Santa pour Lemsip into the chimney? He was coming down with the flue. 6. Why don't Volkswagen hold Christmas Services? They get the readings wrong. 7. Why is there no Champagne at the Chelsea Christmas party? Because Mourinho got rid of the Fizzy-o. 8. Why was the turkey at the Talk Talk Christmas party such a mess? It was hacked. 9. Who's Rudolph's favourite pop star? Beyon-sleigh 10. What do Wikileaks staff have with their Christmas turkey? An anonymous sauce.
Christmas Gold is showing their festive TV favourites every night throughout December