Bereaved mother from Suffolk calls for more support for families going through baby loss
They say they don't want support to be based on a postcode lottery
Last updated 12th Oct 2023
A bereaved mother from Suffolk wants more to be done so grieving parents around the country get the support they need.
Laura Holden lost her son Reece back in 2014.
Nearly a decade later she still gets support, and even volunteers with Ipswich Hospital's Baby Bereavement Group.
During Laura's first pregnancy, she went for her 20-week scan with her partner at the time, now husband.
They realised the baby "wasn't quite growing as they should have been."
At that point, Laura was sent for more scans and tests before being referred to Addenbrookes Hospital where they learnt their son had passed away.
Going home without your baby
Laura and her partner knew that when their little boy was born they wouldn't hear him cry.
Laura recalled the moment for us and described it as "devastating."
"We knew ahead of time that our baby was going to come out and be silent, and that silence is deafening.
"It's one of the loudest noises you can ever hear because you're so desperate - you're sitting there looking at your baby, you're hoping and praying that it's a mistake and that that that this isn't happening even though you've been spoken to and you understand the process...
"But the actual reality of holding a baby that's not moving, that's not crying.... and you're not going to be walking out with a car seat, as per so many scenes (in film and TV) that we see with happiness and joy.
"It literally is one of those moments that can take your breath away."
Grief has no time frame
Laura explained to us that although this loss happened 9 years ago, there are still moments that make her emotional, thinking of her little boy and what could have been:
"I remember a lot of dates, my scan dates, the dates we went into hospital, the date he was born, the date we had his funeral."
She told us she thinks about these things constantly, that "they've not disappeared," they've not been forgotten.
But slowly with time, she has been able to go back to "normal", go to work and go out with friends.
She's also gone on to have 2 other children, telling us "life grows back around your grief."
She also spoke about a partner's involvement in the pregnancy and how they also need time to grieve.
Laura told us men are processing the loss at the same time and this can be hard on them as "historically the man's role is to be the strong one, to support everybody and not to let anyone down."
She says it's important to remember: "They're just as much involved.
"They are a parent and and they have got to process their loss as well."
She also suggests they may process grief differently to their partner, with Laura explaining that in her situation, she was quite vocal, while her partner was a lot more reserved.
Having children after a loss
Laura explained she felt conflicted when they started trying for another baby: "I was torn between desperately wanting a baby and the fear of it happening all over again."
What helped Laura was "knowing there was support" available:
"The care level was amazing in terms of the hospital staff and to get us through that journey.
"Nine months is a long time in anyone's book, let alone someone that is going through the heartache of knowing what it's like to lose something so precious."
Laura now has 2 children: Oscar, born in 2016 and Emily, born in 2017.
When they were born Laura and her husband felt it was important to include their big brother Reece in what they do.
She told us that as they're getting older, they are asking more questions and their "understanding of what's happened is becoming a little bit more in-depth" and they try to be as open and honest as they can with them: "It's hard to hear, but it's also the most wonderful thing to hear that they recognise him just as much as we do and they are very open and comfortable talking about him."
Support available
Ipswich Hospital runs a Baby Bereavement Support Group on the last Tuesday of every month, but there are also other resources available including Hope Again, Twins Trust Bereavement Support Group, Grief Encounters, Child Bereavement UK and many more.