A woman from Suffolk opens up about her grief nearly 50 years on from baby loss
When Angela had a stillbirth 46 years ago, a doctor told her to go home and have another baby.
Last updated 11th Oct 2024
A woman from Suffolk who lost her baby boy nearly 50 years ago is telling us how important it is for people to talk about their grief.
It comes after the government announced yesterday that baby loss certificates are now being given to all parents affected - previously they were only available to those who'd lost a baby since 2018.
Angela's Story
Angela Carter who lives in Bury St Edmunds had a stillbirth 46 years ago, she shared her story with us.
"He was full term, he was perfect, he just didn't breathe, but nobody really wanted to speak about it and I was sent out of the hospital the next day.
"I was told by the hospital to go home and have another baby, that was the advice from the hospital."
"I was in a complete daze, I don't think I thought anything I suppose ... I didn't know how to react.
"I was expecting to go home with a baby and suddenly I was going out the door and going into a car and we were on our own and that was really hard."
She told us she had barely any time with her son before having to leave the hospital and back in the 1970's people didn't talk about things like this, which only made the situation more difficult when she returned home.
How people reacted
"We kept a pub and that was really embarrassing, they had done a guess the weight of the baby and things like that, which was difficult and people were just so embarrassed.
"They would come in and say to my husband what did she have and when he told them that he (Dominic) was stillborn, they would walk out because they just didn't know what to say.
"People would cross the road so that they didn't speak to me.
"I understood as years went by because it's such a difficult thing...but it's unforgivable actually, it's hurtful."
Angela recalled the nicest thing that was said to her during that time, it came from an elderly lady who had come to the village in her retirement. The lady came into their pub one Sunday lunch and asked Angela what Dominic looked like.
"Nobody had asked me that question, and now people have pictures and handprints and all sorts, I didn't have anything and so for somebody to recognise him as a person, that was the nicest thing anybody had ever said.."
We asked Angela to tell us about Dominic.
"Everything was perfectly normal, I had all the usual things like morning sickness, there was nothing different.
"He was a big boy, he was a big baby, he wasn't small... he looked just like my husband, and I had that picture in my head for such a long time.
"We would be in the car and my husband would be driving and I'd look sideways at him and I'd get a picture of him (Dominic), that was special."
Angela told us about some of the difficult moments following Dominic's passing.
"I couldn't bear to hear a baby cry, that was my weakness if you like, because he didn't cry."
Angela's husband also found the loss of their son difficult, but was more reluctant to speak about it.
"He found it incredibly difficult too, Ithink he felt he should have done something, not that there was anything to do, but he's a man and I think that he felt he always should have done something."
Having a child after
Angel and her husband welcomed their second child a year later. She told us she was convinced she was having another boy and was surprised to learn they were having a girl, which they named Lucy.
And although they were happy, the prgancy brought it's own emotional challenges.
"The difficult part was because he (Dominic) was born April 6th and she (Lucy) was born April 11th - in that year, you were at the same stage, so at Christmas I was at the same stage I was when i was pregnant with Dominic.
"I actually moved house because I found it incredibly difficult to go back to the same hospital."
When it was time for Angela to give birth, the hospital agreed to give her a cesarean section, she told us it made it slightly easier for her as she didn't have to go through the same experience as before.
"When they woke me up and said you have a beautiful baby girl, I said _no, mines a boy. S_he (lucy) has never let me forget that.
Angela later had her third child, a baby boy called Thomas.
Both Lucy and Thomas knew about their big brother growing, they celebrated his birthday every year and Lucy will come and help Angela with SANDS events.
"He was always apart of our life.. they always knew."
Angela helped to set up West Suffolk SANDS six and a half years ago after she saw an advert that said there wasn't a support group in the whole of Suffolk.https://www.sands.org.uk/about-sands/media-centre/news/2018/09/new-support-group-help-bereaved-parents-west-suffolk
"Dominic would have been 40 that year and it was almost like I needed to do something for him.
"The support group has sadly been very needed, I wish nobody needed it, we started off with one support group, we now have three."
Recently the group unveiled a baby loss memorial statue at Nowton Park in Bury St Edmunds which provides people with a space to reflect and remember their lost loved ones.
Angela told us it's brought "such a lot of help to so many people" and has encouraged more people to be open and share their own experiences.