A bereaved father's working with the NSFT after his daughter ended her life

The father of a teenage girl who took her own life is working with mental health services to improve how it includes carers and families in care planning.

"I have decided that the best way to try to prevent a similar thing happening to another young person or anybody really, is to work with the Trust that failed her."

67-year-old Trevor Stevens is working with the Norfolk and Suffolk NHS Foundation Trust (NSFT) in order to improve the ways parents and guardians are informed about their children, if they are in a mental health crisis or suicide attempt as a part of their 'Think Family and Carer project'.

Trevor's daughter Tobi

Trevor's daughter Tobi passed away 4 years ago in December 2020 at just 19-years-old after she took her own life.

He described her as "absolutely beautiful and delightful...and talented. She was funny. She loved gymnastics and trampolining and... she she'd started learning trapeze skills. She'd also started doing some modelling."

Trevor told us Tobi had reached out for help with her mental health on several occasions but "each time she was pushed from pillar to post and not taken seriously."

He told us she had phoned the crisis team after an attempt, but was told to call back after 30 minutes and "see how she felt".

Trevor thought this clearly showed the negligence from the Trust towards his daughter,

Tobi had previously struggled with her mental health but Trevor told us he never thought she would take her own life.

"All the signs we saw made it seem she was over the worst. If we had been made aware of Tobi’s deteriorating mental health, we may have been able to save her.”

He said friends and family should not be scared about talking to someone about their mental health and suicide. “Be brave. There is no evidence that talking to someone who is thinking about suicide will make them go ahead.”

He told us that when Tobi died, the hospital didn't even have his contact information, and they had to reach out to Tobi's university to get the details before he could be informed of what happened.

"We (Trevor and Tobi's mother) would have dropped anything. Everything that we could and we'd have driven over to Norwich to keep her alive and we'd have asked one of her friends to be with her until we came."

The changes he wants to see

After Tobi's death, the hospital reached out to Trevor and explained what happened .

"They admitted responsibility for it...Explained what had happened expressed their sincere regret and they also answered any questions that I wanted to ask them."

He thought about the experience and thought it must have been a "a unique catastrophic event."

"Surely I thought this has never happened to anyone before. Nobody could have been let down like this. Sadly I've found out since that time that many people have been let down in similar ways."

As a result he began working with them to ensure no one else would experience what he had.

"Confidentiality is okay up to a point, but I think that point was reached and they went well past it."

"It's about helping healthcare professionals to be braver and to overcome to overcome their fear. Because I've talked to a lot of them and a lot of them are afraid of breaching confidentiality because they think they will get into trouble, but they won't."

His message is: "The question should not be 'is there a good enough reason to involve parents' - but 'is there a good enough reason not to?’”

Trevor said he would like to see all NHS organisations working together to save lives. “It is the family who have to pick up the pieces after this kind of tragedy so we should be informed if there is concern for someone’s safety.”

Carers lead Jill Curtis said:“Service users may have several people in their lives who know them from different perspectives - friends, families, carers - so we must make sure we know who they are and get any insight we can when considering treatment and ongoing care”.

NSFT psychologist Deidre Williams said: “We are talking to teams to improve awareness and overcome any barriers they may have with carers and families. We want this to be life-saving work.”

The Trust

We reached out to the NSFT who told us their work with Trevor is one part of multiple ways they're trying to improve their service and they're grateful to Trevor for his help in these changes and they are committed to provide safer, kinder and better services.”

Mr Top Hat

Mr Top Hat was a little man Tobi drew on birthday and Christmas cards when she was a girl. They were all signed ‘from Tobi and Mr Top Hat’ and were accompanied by this illustration.

Trevor uses the Mr Top Hat sticker to remind people of what happened and says:

‘Mr Top Hat wants to encourage you to talk to parents and keep them informed even if you’ve been asked not to do so and may be breaching confidentiality. If you are sitting with a young person and you’re hesitant about doing so, Mr Top Hat would urge you to think this:

The question to ask yourself should not be: ‘Is there a good enough reason to involve parents?’ BUT: ‘Is there a good enough reason not to?’

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