Baby loss awareness: Bury St Edmunds mum who lost twin boys says talking about grief is crucial
She says she carries her loss every day
A woman from Bury St Edmunds who lost her twin baby boys is welcoming the news that certificates formally recognising baby loss are now being given to all parents who've experienced a loss.
Before now, only those who had lost a child since September 2018 were recognised.
Isobel Ewing's Story
26 years ago Isobel Ewing went into early labour at 22 weeks pregnant with her twin boys.
She was in hospital for two weeks but said there was no stopping the delivery.
Her boys, William and Andrew were classed as a late miscarriage: "You hang on for dear life that things are going to go okay and when I knew they couldn't stop the labour, I just screamed.
"We got to hold them, my husband was right there. He held them first and then I did...
"They were really tiny, they just looked like normal babies, just tiny. William was just under a pound and Andrew was a pound and two ounces."
At the hospital
For Isobel, her pregnancy took place before cooling cots existed and before hospitals had specific spaces for bereaved parents, so she and her husband didn't get much time with their sons: "We had an hour, maybe two hours, and then we had to leave the room as someone else needed it, someone else was having a baby."
She told us they left soon after as there were other couples in the maternity ward and she "didn't want to upset them": "Leaving the hospital without them, that was the worst thing.
"You go in pregnant, you expect to be going home with a baby, in our case with two babies and go out to put them (the children) in the car and have a new life with them."
The emotional toll
She went on to tell us how she struggled to talk to her husband about the experience, and they had to learn how to express themselves to each other: "He felt he was supposed to be the man and look after his wife and be the stoic husband, but he did really struggle with it all...
"He just wouldn't speak about it to me because he didn't want to upset me he didn't want to hurt me anymore.
"It is a barrier because you don't want to upset each other, and it is one of the things we say in the groups - you have to talk and it's not 'Are you okay?'.
"We learnt after a while to say 'how are you?' just to get an open question and to get us both talking...
"I don't think it's something you can get over it's always there, it's always hanging over you."
She told us she received "wonderful care" from the staff at the hospital and that she was checked in on multiple times.
After her miscarriage, Isobel and her husband sought counselling from someone who had been recommended to them but unfortunately, they didn't have a good experience: "I don't think he had a clue on how to deal with a female, he was quite good with my husband but told me that I had already grieved and that I should know better and should be looking after my husband."
Isobel and her husband did not return to that counsellor.
They also struggled when talking to other people, with Isobel telling us she lost friends because they didn't know what to do or say: "People would walk across the road to avoid us or say 'sorry we've got to go we're in a hurry'."
Isobel also told us that when she next became pregnant it was an incredibly confusing time dealing with mixed emotions: "It was terrifying. You're wanting to be happy because you want a baby but it's terrifying.
"You're happy you're pregnant but you feel guilty that you're pregnant because you feel you should be sad because we lost the boys. William and Andrew should be there.
"It's so confusing you have this happiness and guilt and it's all mingled up together."
Isobel has become a Befriender with West Suffolk SANDS which supports parents who have gone through a bereavement of a child.
Recently a baby loss memorial was unveiled at Nowton Park in Bury St Edmunds, with the group saying it's found that it has already sparked others to have a conversation.
For Isobel, it gives her a place to remember her sons, who are buried in Scotland with her parents.