Wilmslow psychology expert shares advice to parents ahead of results day
College students will be getting their final results tomorrow, with GCSE marks being released next week
A psychology expert in Wilmslow is urging parents to check in on their children's mental health this exam season.
College students will be getting their final results tomorrow, with GCSE marks being released next week.
Child psychotherapist, Rachel Vora, from Wilmslow, said: "Every year I can feel the dread in the air, the dread looming, the anxiety, the worries, the what if scenarios...
"There's so much kind of nerves and anxiety about it.
"Children think they either get in or they don't, and it's a very black and white scenario, rather than actually there's' loads of options and alternative options if you don't happen to get your first choice.
"This time of year particularly is really quite challenging for A-level and GCSE students.
"I always say to children that this is just the outcome of a really long process and it's really important to value the process and value the hard work you have put in.
"It's really really difficult to put that into perspective sometime and think actually this is just one result at the end of a process that's actually been really valuable."
Rachel is qualified with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. They have released the following advice for parents:
Before results day
Lighten the load
Our members unanimously agreed that the most important time to discuss your child’s A level or GSCE results is before results day. As BACP accredited therapist Susie Pinchin explains: “It can really help to lessen the pressure of the day if you have already discussed what they can do if they don’t get the results they want. Remind them that they are still the same person and still loved and supported by you whatever happens.”
BACP accredited therapist Janey Morrisey agrees and says it’s important to reinforce that there is no pressure and no expectations from you as their parent.
Set realistic expectations
It's likely that you and your child already have an idea of how the exams and coursework went before the results arrive, so BACP registered therapist and parenting expert, Jenny Warwick says that it’s worth reminding your child that their results are just one part of their educational journey.
“Encourage your child to focus on the importance of the effort they put in and their personal growth, over the grades they receive,” suggests Jenny.
Have a back up plan
Rachel Vora recommends encouraging your child to make a ‘back up plan’ before results day – such as researching alternative options for colleges and universities in case they don’t get the results they want. “Being organised and having all information to hand, in addition to knowing what supportive teachers are available on the day, can also help your child to feel more confident in facing results day,” shares Rachel.
Results day
Make a plan for the day
To help support your child on results day, consider making a practical schedule for the day. Susie says that being there both for them both physically and emotionally is important. “There is no doubt that if your child doesn’t get the results they hoped for then they will be upset and quite anxious. To them, it could feel that there is no hope and no other way to move forwards,” shares Susie.
Listen to your child
No matter what your child’s results are, when they receive their results, try to listen to them rather than giving your own opinions on the grades they receive.
“They might feel differently to you (positively or negatively),” says Janey. “So watch them before you instantly start celebrating or commiserating. Reactions to results like these can be really emotionally complex, for lots of reasons. It’s important to follow their lead.”
Stay calm
Parenting expert Jenny Warwick says that it’s important to provide a stable emotional presence, regardless of the results. “It's much easier for your teen to remain calm and composed when they see you as calm and supportive,” adds Jenny. “If their results are good or better than expected, acknowledge their achievement and celebrate the hard work and dedication they showed that led them to this success.”
Rachel agrees and says that your child will be looking to you for a sense of calm and confidence in managing the day. “It is important to remember to prioritise your child’s emotions and expectations before your own,” shares Rachel.
Focus on their results, no one else’s
It’s natural that your child will likely want to compare their results with friend. But Susie says it’s worth reminding them that whatever grades their friends get, this will have no impact at all on their own grades. “Encouraging them to concentrate on their own results, and what they want to do next, is all that matters,” says Susie.
“Try to resist telling stories of other family members or siblings on results day too,” adds Rachel. “Everyone’s experience is different, and it is important to validate this and avoid comparison with other peers or family members.”
Dealing with disappointment
Validate your child’s feelings
If your child hasn’t done as well as they wanted, this can be hard for a parent to witness. The build up to results can feel overwhelming to them and their response may feel disproportionate. If this is the case, Jenny recommends letting them express their feelings without interruption or judgement.
“Give them time to speak,” advises Jenny. “Don't feel you have to jump in and offer solutions. This isn't what they need right now. What they need most from you is recognition and validation of their disappointment, stress, or sadness and reassurance from you that it's ok to feel this way. Remind them that there's always someone who's done worse than them and always someone who's done better. How they feel and what they have done is all that matters.”
Avoid rushing decisions
If your child does receive some unwanted news about their grades, they may feel they have to rush into making different plans immediately. But Susie says this could mean they don’t make the best plan for them.
“Instead, let your child talk about what this disappointment feels like for them,” shares Susie. “Their talking and your listening can allow them to work through and process emotions, and gradually work out what might be their best course of action. Be there alongside them, without taking charge.”
Both you and your child can seek further guidance from their school sixth form staff, their University, the National Career Service and The Exam Results helpline.
Reflect
Once you both have an idea of what the next steps might be for your teen, it’s a good idea to reflect on the hard work your child has put into their exams. And although they may be disappointed, there’s lots to learn from disappointment and adapting to challenging circumstances – it’s how we build resilience.
“Remind your child that by picking themselves up and getting on with a “Plan B”, they will have learnt such a valuable life lesson: life is not always fair and it doesn’t always make sense, but accepting this and learning how to navigate the obstacles can make them stronger. They are so much more than the results they get,” says Susie.
If your child is particularly distressed or struggling to cope, or you're finding it challenging to manage your emotions and support your child through results time, consider seeking counselling. Counselling can provide you with the strategies and support to help you feel confident about supporting your teen.