Derry: Fatboy Slim tickets sell out 'within seconds'

"Hi, I'm a lesbian!" Clare
"Congratulations." Laurie
"Thank you." Clare
"How many of you are there?" Laurie
"Just me, I'm just the one lesbian, the rest are all straight." Clare
"How many tickets do you need? Laurie
"Oh I see, five please." Clare

"We can turn our jeans into hot pants any night of the week, we're talking about a free house here Clare, a free house. We're going to be drinking, dancing and riding." Michelle
"Quick question on the awl riding front there, who exactly will be we doing that with?" Erin
"Young, hot farmers, Donegal is coming down with them. Big strapping lads, ripped to fk from all the turf collecting." Michelle

"Ok I'm not buzzing about the sexism, but the fact the wants to thump James is a wee bit exciting." Michelle

"Why have you got a surfboard Joe?" Da Jerry
"Jim across the road gave me the lend." Grandpa Joe
"I'll start again, what are you planning on doing with the surfboard Joe?" Da Jerry
"Surf! It's something I've always fancied doing, ever since I saw that film, the one where the lads try to catch thon big fish." Grandpa Joe
"What film is that?" Da Jerry
"You know, the big fish, the musical fish!" Grandpa Joe
"The musical fish?" Da Jerry
"He hums a tune before he attacks people, they try to catch him, but their boat's too wee." Grandpa Joe
"Are you talking about Jaws?" Da Jerry
"That's the one!" Grandpa Joe
"Jaws made you want to take up surfing?" Da Jerry
"Aye!" Grandpa Joe

"This one's for Erin" Da Jerry
"Oh, private and confidential?" Ma Mary
"Will I stick the kettle on and we'll steam it open Mary?" Aunt Sarah
"That's actually a criminal offence Sarah." Da Jerry
"Your face should be a criminal offence!" Grandpa Joe
"Oh good morning Joe." Da Jerry
"I'm not going to steam open my daughter's mail, come on now Sarah, as if I have time for that…just her national insurance card." Ma Mary

"Aye Halloween is class, there's just something about fancy dress that turns an ordinary night out into an absolute free for all – riding wise." Michelle

"12th November, why is that date familiar? I've booked to see Bjorn Again, I'll have to give this a miss." Aunt Sarah
"You're going to give your own engagement party a miss?" Ma Mary
"Well now to be fair, as ABBA tribute acts go they're the best in the country." Grandpa Joe
"They really are the genuine article." Aunt Sarah
"Except by definition they're not, they are a tribute act." Da Jerry
"And you're an aehole act!" Grandpa Joe**

"But things are just warming up, the real talent will be arriving soon. Trust me, any second now those doors are going to burst open and a load of rides are going to storm in here and snog the faces off us." Young Ma Mary

"That pony tail is going to bring my breakfast up!" Michelle

"Aye Halloween is class, there's just something about fancy dress that turns an ordinary night out into an absolute free for all – riding wise." Michelle

"Oh Jesus, just hand me a spade and let me bury myself." Aunt Sarah

"Where's my Tayto?" Aideen

"There's wiser eating grass!" Michelle

"Don't say knickers in front of your father, he can't cope!" Ma Mary

"If she's not into walls, she's not into walls, Erin love" Aunt Sarah

"We're basically celebrities now, we're like The Corrs" Michelle

"I will buck a French lad so help me god" Michelle

"Ye must think I came up the Foyle in a bubble" Ma Mary

"Slainte, motherfers!" Michelle*

"Macaulay Culkin isn't a Protestant, ma!" Erin

"You don't look like a lesbian" Mae

"What were you doin' heading up Pump Street with a cream horn, pa?" Ma Mary

"Shift your short holes, let's go" Michelle

"I like my kneecaps, Michelle. They suit my knees" Clare

"No funny business with these Protestant lads, is that clear? I don't want anybody landing back here pregnant." Ma Mary

"I spent the summer in Killybegs and, seriously? Not a fucking word" Michelle

"Look, I wanted to be an individual but my ma wouldn't let me" Erin

"I've warned you before, Gerry. You say another bad word about Coronation Street and you may leave this house and never return" Ma Mary

"He's been footering" Granda Joe

"Aye, dead on Gerry. I'm going to give them a whole fiver, that's definitely happenin" Aunt Sarah

"You can't marry an Orangeman Michelle!" Erin
"It's a pity, cos I think there's something really sexy about the fact that they hate us so much" Michelle

"Foreigners fing love the Giant's Causeway" Michelle*

"You can't ring Childline every time your mother threatens to kill you" Michelle

"Protestants hate ABBA!" Orla

"The slightly taller fella, he says to me, says he 'Do you know who we are? And I says to him, says I 'Well I can't be sure now, maybe if you took off the balaclavas" Uncle Colm

"Is it just me, or is that gypsy an absolute ride?" Michelle
"Michelle you can't say that, they're called travellers now, you can't say gypsy anymore, it's insulting" Erin

"This is just wrong" Clare
"So are those ski pants Clare, but it didn't stop you pulling them over your hole this morning" Michelle

"Half-load goes against everything I stand for, you know that da" Ma Mary

"I feel a bit bokey" Michelle

"Howling like a banshee, it was" Uncle Colm

"If I was having an illicit rendezvous with my mistress, I'm not sure that the supermarket where my Father-in-Law is doing the big shop in, would be the best place for it really" Gerry

"Will we need our passports, Gerry?" Orla
"For Belfast, no I don't think so love" Gerry

"I can't find my purse!" Ma Mary
"I can see your purse right there" Gerry
"No that's my sterling purse! I'm talking about my punt purse! I can't find my punt purse Gerry, we are puntless!" Ma Mary

"Relax love, we've a good two or three hours before the rioting starts" Granda Joe

"This doesn't do my baps any justice" Michelle

"Winking! At your age?! Christ, I feel sick" Aunt Sarah