'I chose heroin and methadone over my kids' - Save The Next One
A Co Antrim mum has opened up about how she was choosing heroin and methadone over her children at the height of her addiction, as part of our Save The Next One campaign.
Last updated 27th Mar 2018
The woman asked not to be named, but said she was happy to be known simply under the alias Tracey.
She battled her addiction for nearly 28 years.
For Tracey, first experience with drugs was when she was just 12-years-old.
"I ran about with an older crowd," she said.
"So I got into a bit of dope, acid, then we got into our Es."
From there, her drug abuse simply got worse and worse, to the point where she was trying heroin at 19.
Over the years that followed, there were stints in rehab, where she was given methadone to try and take her off both substances gradually.
Sadly though, methadone simply replaced her heroin addiction.
On the outside, Tracey was able to keep her life together enough to keep her addiction secret from her family.
It would be nine years before they knew anything about it.
As the drugs took hold of her life, her relationship with her mum deteriorated.
"I think she got to the stage where she thought 'if I don't see her I don't think about her,'" she said.
"Because she couldn't watch me ruin myself, I was killing myself.
"I saw her walking past my house but she never called.
"Is it any wonder?"
To make matters worse, Tracey was getting high while her children were in the house as well.
She was honest enough to admit her cravings had so much control over her that her children took second priority.
"People have to realise that addiction is so powerful that you choose it over your children," she said.
"Now for a mother to say that, it's hard, it's very hard.
"But it's true."
Since attending an addiction treatment unit for a third time, Tracey has been clean for over a year.
A test of her commitment to steering clear of drugs came during summer of last year, when she was offered cocaine at a party.
"I didn't even see the coke coming out, it was passed to me," she said.
"I just went 'no, I don't do that.'
"It was only the next day that I burst out crying when I realised.
"I said no to drugs, and I remember that as the first time I have ever felt proud of myself."
She is hoping to rebuild her relationship with her children and has already reconnected with her mother.
"All I can hope is that they will forgive me one day, they will really forgive me and understand," she said.
Tracey has called for more practical measures here for people suffering the blight of addiction.
"Never, ever look at a drug addict and think they're having a great time, never," she said.
"Just because you don't see the devil on their back, doesn't mean it's not there.
"They need to open more detox units here and make sure they're for detox.
"There's not enough help out there, there's definitely not enough help."
If you wish to contact us to tell us your story of how drugs have impacted your life, you can do so by emailing news@downtown.co.uk or if you wish to seek help for addiction issues, more information can be found here.